Susan Rosen Fisch

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Mom passed away at 4:16pm Wednesday, June 10th. More to come.

Thanks for all your best wishes.

xo
nikki

Memory #1

My dad travelled alot when I was a kid. Some of my favorite memories of my childhood was when it was just me and my mom. Not b/c I didn't love my dad--there is definitely a Daddy's Girl in me, but, when it was just me and my mom, and when we were getting along (more of a chance when dad wasn't around), there was a natural quiet and comfort between us that was never there any other time. We knew not to talk to each other first thing in the morning. We could sit and watch TV or read trash mags for hours sitting by each other and never say a word. It was never weird or awkward. It was quiet and calm.  At the time, of course, I never realized what was happening. But, I see it in my choice of mate. We can be quiet and it can be wonderful. Isaac, of course, is the exact opposite of us. He likes the noise and company of others. Funny how that works out.

When we lived in LA, mom and i would make chips with melted cheese in the toaster oven and sit in the pool while we ate. Our backyard overlooked the canyon. The weather was always nice. I loved those afternoons.

Saw mom today. She is like a shell of herself. NOT the feisty, zesty, spicy woman I know and love. This isn't my mom. My mom died last week. The last I truly saw my mom was 2 Mondays ago. We sat by the pool. We laughed about something. I told her something and she responded. Only problem is, i can't remember at all what we talked about. I only know that I was there. I spoke. She responded. She was my mom.

I keep thinking that I can say something at her funeral. I have always had so much to say about my mom and it always came to me so easily. But now, when i need to organize my feelings and come up with something real that I can say to others so they'll get the essence of what I felt about my mom, nothing is coming. Everything I think about her comes in bits and pieces. I think of silly stories. Inappropriate stories. Nothing that really tells how i feel. I am thinking maybe it is because I feel completely numb. I feel nothing. I've cried a few times in spurts. I feel sad and a bit devastated only b/c I KNOW I feel that way. But when it really comes down to it, I don't feel much at all.

I figure over the next few days I'll write some things about her so maybe the beginning of some sort of eulogy will come out of it. We'll see...

Isaac cleans

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Good gosh! My life seems a mess right now. If only my little Isaac could clean it up all the time! He loves to vacuum and I let him! Just like his daddy.

Anywho. Since my last entry, in case you are the rare person who stumbles across this thing, much has changed and progressed and stood still. Mom is in hospice care now. At home, but there is nothing else to do and at this moment, hospice nurses think it will be around 2 more weeks.

It's weird. I'm motherless. Mother-less. For many, many years, I have spoken with my mom almost every day. At the very least, I've spoken to my mom every few days. And that's only b/c she's been out of town, in Europe or too ill to talk, in which case, I've just gone over. My mother has been so woven into my life that's it seems like it will be difficult to pull the thread out. As I've grown older, I've become more dependent on her advice, support, money. I know, as children get older, they are supposed to grow more independent. I seemed to be the opposite. I never needed her much as a kid, or a teen, but now, well into my 30's, I don't know what I'll do without her.

So, June is around the corner and June will more than likely be the month my mother dies in. I hate June.

Colorful Tomato Cages

Isaac posing in the veg garden
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

I planted 7 tomatoes in the garden. 4 Martian Giants and 3 tomatillos. I also added a mild green jalapeno, banana pepper and an artichoke. My broccoli should be ready to harvest in a few weeks. The Brussels Sprouts need another 6 weeks probably and the beans are nowhere near ready. Something is eating the leaves of many things. I need to spray spinosad, but i can't seem to find any actual bugs. Very strange. The potatoes are also growing. Well, half are anyway. I need to mound up more straw. 

I looked and saw that many of the potatoes are sprouting green leaves, but only 3 are rising above the straw now and one looks like it will break free any day.

I also planted strawberries. Just 2 plants. I'll see how it goes. I might plant some more, but I am trying to keep it slow. I don't want to overwhelm myself.

I also need to harvest some radishes. But, I want to do something with them. Maybe I'll thinly slice them and add them to a salad. We'll see.

Onions seem to be doing ok. Just moving along. They are firmly rooted so that is positive. And, this past year I got the poppies planted super early and they are just absolutely exploding now. The look amazing and I notice people stopping to look at them all the time.

Pansies, violas and lettuce are all doing good. I think I'll make some sauteed spinach at dinner tonight. If I can eat the spinach soon, I'll have room for eggplant or a cucumber plant in the next month. I can also pull out some of the radicchio to make room. It is such a pretty plant but I don't really like to eat it. I also realize that I am not a huge arugula fan. It's too nutty. Next fall I want to plant a mustard green Leslie was telling me about. It sounds delicious. Very mild with a good, light mustard flavor. Good for salads. In fall I need to be more organized with my lettuce. I also think I'll plant more baby greens instead of whole heads.

Anywho, going to check out the new natural food store, New Flower Market.

xo

Quiksilver...and hat.

Quiksilver...and hat.
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Isaac is slowly forming his interesting fashion sense. It's a mixture of stuff I show him and stuff he finds on his own. We were shopping at Penguin and he tried on a fedora in an adult size, then decided he wanted his own. We went down to Play and low and behold, we found the herrings tooth hat. I let him pick out his own pins from the pin bowl and voila! Modern American rude boy!

Shorts and shirt are Quiksilver. I have never paid attention to their clothes, but they are super cute! Comfy and soft. A little pricier than I would normally spend on him but he just looks so awesome! He also got some good Vans with skulls and fire on them. Super hot!

3rd year and still pretty.

3rd year and still pretty.
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

But, they are almost finished. I love when the daffodils come, but when the early ones start to fail, it only reminds me that I am behind in my garden. Crazy, b/c I've only been gardening for about 4 years and I am already freaked out about the timing of my planting. Leslie would be happy to know the assimilation is growing. It will only be complete when I comfortably use the latin names of plants. Which I will not do! I refuse! (ears blocked) Laaalalalalalalalalal!!!!!

Tomorrow I will get some soil and 4" plastic pots and repot my tomatoes seedlings. They are about 5" tall and I am obsessed with whether they look leggy or not. Since this is my first time with successful tomato seeds, I don't know exactly what they should look like. Wait, going to research now!

2nd time's a charm

2nd time's a charm
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

I finally got my potatoes in the ground on Monday. I also planted heirloom tomatoes for the second time AND, I planted my pepper seeds. We'll see. I will NOT give up gosh darn it!!!!

My tomato plants were doing soooooo good. But, I missed a day of watering and now some of the leaves are turning a bit yellow. I'll soak them in some liquid seaweed and repot them this weekend if I have time and see how they do. I might just bring them to Leslie and see what she says. It's all a learning experiment right?

I will succeed! And when I do, I will eat every tomato and make myself silly sick with joy! Mwwwaahahahaha!

On a positive note, I think my carrots are finally coming up. AND, my radishes are doing well and maybe some spinach is coming up. I threw out the seeds weeks ago before a big cold snap. Then, i did nothing and now I've been watering regularly. It's all so weird. Gardening. Keeps me busy though and I truly appreciate fixating on something besides work and Isaac and my mom.

Again. We'll see.

My mommy

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Just found out terrible news. My mom's cancer is spreading. Not necessarily in new areas, although that is not far off, but just spreading larger. For instance, and this is weird, the tumor in her abdomen is spreading to and wrapping around her liver. It isn't considered "liver cancer" per say. It is just spreading in that direction. Can you imagine? I can't. And yet it is all I can think about. They offer few options and they aren't even good ones.

#1 Do nothing. 3-12 mos.
#2 Hospital chemo 5 days in, 3 weeks out. No major side effects like liver failure or heart failure, but constant nausea and always tired. This one is FDA approved. Not a trial.
#3 Phase 3 trial in Houston. Don't know if she'll qualify.

You know your parents will die. That's a given. They SHOULD die before their children. I would much rather be tortured to death than see my son die. That in itself would be worse than torture. But, knowing and waiting for a parent to die is frustrating and sad and hopeless. I'm not good at showing sadness or or looking for sympathy or asking for someone to listen to me. So, when I say to someone my mom is going to die soon (meaning I am expecting it in a specific time frame such as now to 12 mos) the other person gets a soft face, furrows their brow and looks at me with sadness. I just feel numb. I don't want anyone to look at me. It makes me feel like I don't care b/c I can't cry in front of anyone and moan and wail. I cry easiest alone. In the car, in the bathroom, at work. Alone. I don't want anyone hugging me or paying special attention or telling me god has his own plan for her.

I hope people don't think I'm hardened. I know it shouldn't matter. Everyone grieves in their own way. But, still. I don't want anyone to think I'm just waiting for her to give up and die. I want her to fight. I want her to be around. It kills me that everyone will see Isaac grow up except the one person I want with me to watch Isaac grow up. Isaac won't remember her. He'll have MY memories of her. Not his own stories. THAT makes me want to cry.

So, over the last few years I have gone through periods of mourning. Then, she'll get a bit better and I'll forget that she is dying (b/c we are all dying, really) and then something will happen and it will remind me she will be gone soon and I start the mourning all over again.

Anyway, going through it sucks. It's an emotional roller coaster. It's hard to watch someone you love in pain and discomfort. The mom I knew hasn't been there for years. I wish I had paid more attention to her hair and studied her face more when it was younger and fuller and tanner.

She wanted to take a cruise in Portugal (I think) and today realized she won't ever go. She thought she'd add it to her list of travels before she died but she won't.

have to stop. more later.

Tomatoes are coming!

Ok, so I am totally going to use my blog, that I NEVER update, to keep track of my seeds. I planted the larger sprouts on the right about a week ago. Tomato 'Martian Giant'. They are really big! I put 3 seeds in each Jiffy pellet. Now, there are around 3 stems in each one. It's a miracle!!!

That same weekday, that I can't remember exactly, I also planted basil, tomato 'peachy something', tomatillos (also in the picture), chives, some other tomato varieties, and broccoli.

The basil, tomatillos, martian giant are all sprouting heavily. The broccoli seeds look like they are exploding but not sprouting just yet. Unless the exploding is also considered sprouting. It's all so confusing.

So, ALL my seeds are actually doing quite well. Much better than the last seeds. I think I killed most of my last round of seeds in fall and definitely killed all the seeds last spring and the previous spring. BUT, this time, every single seed will live. At first, I was hoping for 75%, but now I'm going for 100%. Freakin' frackin' seeds!!! Grrr!! You will live and I will make it happen, gosh darn it!

A friend of mine today told me that they are starting asparagus from seed. I told her we had 2 year crowns, but she is bound and determined to make it happen. If it works out, I'm adding her to my garden hero list. Ok, so the list only has one person on it, but there is definitely room for more.

Anywho, should be planting these perfectly on time in mid march. I'll save the peppers for April. I'll direct sow the purple bush beans in the next week. Replant the potatoes tomorrow.

Planted the onion sets last Monday along with more chives, radishes, carrots and some random lettuce I just threw out there to see what stuck. It's been difficult keeping the seeds moist enough to sprout with the warm weather. And, I'm still a bit confused about the watering, but not enough to where I can't figure it out. We'll see.

Going now. xo

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Mommy and me

Mommy and me
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

As most know, my mom has sarcoma. She was diagnosed last Feb (2007). It's been almost 2 years and it only gets worse. She started trials in San Antonio a few months ago. 5 days on, 4 weeks off. No side effects. Hair still in tact. Just tired the week after the treatment. Even though the treatment was difficult b/c she was away from home and family, she was able to reconnect with my uncle Richard (dad's brother). My mom has remained close to my dad's family. She seemed to become more likeable once they divorced. Ah, yes. A story for another time.

Anyway, no side effects. B/c it wasn't working. All those months wasted. Now they are all double in size. Right breast, lung, hip, spinal nodes. I am assuming they remain in the diaphragm and stomach lining, but not sure. At some point I stopped listening to the list of affected places. But, the Dr says the good news is that it didn't spread to the heart, kidney, liver,bones, etc. No new vital organs. I guess that is good. It all sounds sucky to me. She starts back up on traditional chemo on Tuesday. Back to hair loss, tired, nausea, pain. Sad, but if it will extend her life and keep the tumors from spreading, I'm all for it. Eventually, her quality of life will deteriorate to the point of wanting to quit the treatment and give up, but I am happy that she wants to continue on today. She needs to make it Isaac's 5th birthday, my birthday, another summer of swimming.

It's exhausting just thinking about it. I'll follow up with the feelings tomorrow. Still processing.

Awww.

Awww.
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

I'm so in love I can hardly stand it.

Finally

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Ok, they started to ripen. But, they taste not so good. They are a bit mealy in texture and a little flavorless. Very disappointing. I am wondering, though, if it is me. Lately, most veggies I taste, have no flavor and some taste funny. I thought maybe it was b/c I bought a few rounds of veggies from sub par places. But now i am thinking it could be me. I need to bring some tomatoes to work and have someone taste one. I will also wait until my broccoli is finished and see how that tastes.

I think i am just feeling overwhelmed between the garden, work, the house (it is a disaster), money and isaac. It's alot to think about each day. Maybe my food is just not tasting right b/c of my moods. Weird.

Will it happen?

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

As i obsessively watch the election coverage online and on tv, I also wonder if my tomatoes will ever ripen. I took this photo yesterday and today a few ARE turning reddish. I'll post another image soon. Hopefully. Also, my Amaryllis 'Chico' and the biggun (can't remember which one I got) are coming along nicely. Can't wait to see them! At $17 a pop I'm expecting 'works of art'. I assume Leslie will deliver. ;)

GO OBAMA!

Squash

Squash
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Yes. That is squash. Yes. It was yummy. Yes. A very nasty bug got to it so my harvest was cut short. How did I know a monster was going to burrow into the stem and kill it from the inside. I'll know better in spring.

I didn't even know he had this costume

I didn't even know he had this costume
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

No, he was not Batman for Halloween, he was a Storm Trooper. But, he likes to dress up. So, pretty much every day is Halloween.

Back to work!

Please, I beg of you...

such a ham
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Vote for Obama. For the sake of the babies, please!

Alexander and Isaac together again!

Alexander and Isaac together again!
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Alexander's grandparents were visiting from Scotland for, like, ever and that kept the boys apart. but, thursday, A spent the night and they made up for lost time by acting like complete crazy boys. They jumped on the bed, played and watched TV. A was a champ and the boys slept great on their own. The next night we saw him again and Isaac was complete for the rest of the weekend.

Hopefully, they'll go to school together next year when they start kindergarten. I've been obsessively checking the Dealy website waiting for the entry form to go up. I going to Dealy next year will save us a minimum of 600-800 a month. Ah! We'd have debt paid off in no time. Keep your fingers crossed!

My garden is growing!

All my veggies are planted. I really don't know what I'm doing and so this fall is really a test of what is going to do well with the arrangement I have planted them in. I don't know if they are too close together or what. I know that I need to continue amending the soil and add more expanded shale and compost. But, I know that I have enough sun and the soil is getting better.

Right now the front garden is mostly veggies and herbs. In the past it was a good mix of color and veg. But, the veggies are taking over. I need more room. I think I am going to create raised beds in the back with cinder blocks. Then, in the holes on the blocks, I can plant herbs and color and companion plants. Plus, the dogs can't chew cinder blocks. With a garden in the back, the dogs will have the mega important job of keeping the squirrels away!!