It is weird to say and even more weird to see in print. It looks much harsher than it sounds when spoken. She has sarcoma, cancer of the soft tissue. 5 years ago, she had a small lump in her breast. She swears she got it exactly 5 years from when she started taking hormones for “the change”. However, with regular check ups, early detection and removal, Drs were able to get it quickly with no need for chemo or radiation.
Last summer she had a 6.5 pound tumor removed from her abdomen. Yes, SIX and ONE HALF pounds! It was big—big enough that the Dr took a picture of it being removed during surgery. How, you ask, can someone in a civilized nation allow a tumor to grow that large? Well, it starts with a bit of vanity and ends with incredulousness. About a year before it was removed, my mom started gaining weight. It was gradual and when I look back at pictures of that time, I still can’t believe how none of us suspected. She was only gaining weight in her mid-section. My mom is 5’2” and normally around 105 lbs. So, when she started plumping up, I didn’t think anything of it b/c I always think she is too skinny. She was doing sit-ups like crazy and going to the Dr, who was telling her that maybe it was her thyroid (take some meds) or just natural progression of age. Finally, she stared to get numbness in her hands and, I think, some tingling in her arms. She has had back issues before so she went to her back Dr to get an MRI to be sure her spine was ok. Wow! I can only imagine the look of surprise on her back Dr’s face when he looked at the images and saw a “baby” of a tumor sitting on her spine. There was the cause of all the numbness.
They immediately removed the tumor, which was literally the size of Isaac when he was born, and sent it off for testing. Turns out that it was mostly benign except for a small portion in the center that was not. The whole thing had been growing off her adrenal gland so they went ahead and took that, too. Apparently, the adrenal gland is kinda like the baby toe of your innards. No need for both. Here is a small description of what it is for “The two adrenal glands are positioned above the kidneys and are responsible for making steroid hormones that enable the body respond to stress (aldosterone, cortisol and adrenaline). They also make a small amount of sex steroids (the major sex steroids testosterone and estrogen are made by the gonads).” So, there ya go. Anyway, they removed it. Felt very certain it was over and we all went on with our business. In the meantime, my mom got scans of her body every 6 months to be sure nothing was coming back. They also felt reasonably certain that this tumor was not related to her breast cancer.
The first scan was fine. She felt fine, looked fine, seemed fine. Then, February 14 of 2007 I got the call.
Mom: Hey, babe. How are you?
Me: Fine. Just waiting for Zac to get home.
Mom: are you doing anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: No. We don’t usually celebrate those kinds of silly holidays.
Mom: I went to the Dr yesterday for a routine scan and I have lung cancer.
Me: What?
Mom: (repeats sentence)
Me: Who?
Mom: Me.
Me: Who?
Mom: Me.
Me: (a bit hysterical) Who has lung cancer?
Mom: I do.
Me: (crying)
It was literally that abrupt. I honestly kept thinking that if I kept asking the question, the answer would eventually change. Now, when we talk about how mom told me to other people, we tell it waaaaay more dramatically with me ending up on the floor of my kitchen screaming into the phone. Ahhh, fun.
Turns out, it had very quickly and aggressively spread to her breast, lung, diaphragm, and the lymph nodes under her arms. She immediately started on an intensive chemo schedule and bought a brand new Mercedes. Owning a new $75k car seems to help the suffering. It at least offers a comfortable ride to and from the hospital. I am sure when Steve said, “You can have anything you want” upon hearing such a dire prognosis, a new car wouldn’t be on the list. Treatment at SloanKettering in NY or a lavish trip with her family, maybe. But, a new car? My mom is so funny.
Aside from losing all her hair, which was never any good to begin with, feeling tired, itchy and a little bit nauseous, Mom is doing pretty good. She eats well, looks great, is active and busy. She travels and plans parties and takes Isaac once a week no matter how tired she is. She was in Europe for a month this fall, went to Disney with Isaac over the summer and visited with my Dad in Florida. She is going to NY for 2 weeks in December/January, is going to Vegas in Spring. She hasn’t let this get her down. Her attitude is amazing and I don’t think it is from all those painkillers and anti-depressants she is taking. It is hard to imagine that she was supposed to be dead in less than a year from this past February. Ok, the tumors are not shrinking, at least not considerably. But, they aren’t growing either and the Drs seem to be pretty happy about that. Mom even skipped 2 months of chemo and still the tumors remained the same sized.
By now, I am used to “waiting and seeing”. She gets scans every 6 weeks to measure her progress and in January, might start chemo trials depending on what the Dr says. Of course, she may just quit all treatment and live life to the fullest in her remaining days, months, possibly years. At first I didn’t agree with this. I thought it was giving up. But, now I see the value of time and quality of life. My Dad and Aunt are upset by this possibility. I just think it’s selfish. What fun is it to be on chemo and not feel good? Then there is no guarantee the chemo will work and then all those months were wasted feeling like crap when she could have been out playing.
In a way, I have kind of mourned the death of my mom already. One is never prepared for a loved one dying and I get that. But, I think that until you are truly reminded that your parents will not be around forever, you don’t begin to come to terms with it. Any of our parents can drop dead at any moment. Just ask my friend Ash. Zac’s parents could go anytime. They aren’t the healthiest of people. My Dad already has high blood pressure and heart disease. We never know. But, now that my mom has gone through this, I have come to expect that any day, I will wake up and she will be gone. So, in the meantime, treat her as something precious and not take her for granted anymore. Something I think most people do of their parents.
Meanwhile… she is here today and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. So, I will just enjoy b/c you never know if she’ll be here tomorrow.
