P6300242
Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime
Just found out terrible news. My mom's cancer is spreading. Not necessarily in new areas, although that is not far off, but just spreading larger. For instance, and this is weird, the tumor in her abdomen is spreading to and wrapping around her liver. It isn't considered "liver cancer" per say. It is just spreading in that direction. Can you imagine? I can't. And yet it is all I can think about. They offer few options and they aren't even good ones.
#1 Do nothing. 3-12 mos.
#2 Hospital chemo 5 days in, 3 weeks out. No major side effects like liver failure or heart failure, but constant nausea and always tired. This one is FDA approved. Not a trial.
#3 Phase 3 trial in Houston. Don't know if she'll qualify.
You know your parents will die. That's a given. They SHOULD die before their children. I would much rather be tortured to death than see my son die. That in itself would be worse than torture. But, knowing and waiting for a parent to die is frustrating and sad and hopeless. I'm not good at showing sadness or or looking for sympathy or asking for someone to listen to me. So, when I say to someone my mom is going to die soon (meaning I am expecting it in a specific time frame such as now to 12 mos) the other person gets a soft face, furrows their brow and looks at me with sadness. I just feel numb. I don't want anyone to look at me. It makes me feel like I don't care b/c I can't cry in front of anyone and moan and wail. I cry easiest alone. In the car, in the bathroom, at work. Alone. I don't want anyone hugging me or paying special attention or telling me god has his own plan for her.
I hope people don't think I'm hardened. I know it shouldn't matter. Everyone grieves in their own way. But, still. I don't want anyone to think I'm just waiting for her to give up and die. I want her to fight. I want her to be around. It kills me that everyone will see Isaac grow up except the one person I want with me to watch Isaac grow up. Isaac won't remember her. He'll have MY memories of her. Not his own stories. THAT makes me want to cry.
So, over the last few years I have gone through periods of mourning. Then, she'll get a bit better and I'll forget that she is dying (b/c we are all dying, really) and then something will happen and it will remind me she will be gone soon and I start the mourning all over again.
Anyway, going through it sucks. It's an emotional roller coaster. It's hard to watch someone you love in pain and discomfort. The mom I knew hasn't been there for years. I wish I had paid more attention to her hair and studied her face more when it was younger and fuller and tanner.
She wanted to take a cruise in Portugal (I think) and today realized she won't ever go. She thought she'd add it to her list of travels before she died but she won't.
have to stop. more later.
