Saw mom today. She is like a shell of herself. NOT the feisty, zesty, spicy woman I know and love. This isn't my mom. My mom died last week. The last I truly saw my mom was 2 Mondays ago. We sat by the pool. We laughed about something. I told her something and she responded. Only problem is, i can't remember at all what we talked about. I only know that I was there. I spoke. She responded. She was my mom.

I keep thinking that I can say something at her funeral. I have always had so much to say about my mom and it always came to me so easily. But now, when i need to organize my feelings and come up with something real that I can say to others so they'll get the essence of what I felt about my mom, nothing is coming. Everything I think about her comes in bits and pieces. I think of silly stories. Inappropriate stories. Nothing that really tells how i feel. I am thinking maybe it is because I feel completely numb. I feel nothing. I've cried a few times in spurts. I feel sad and a bit devastated only b/c I KNOW I feel that way. But when it really comes down to it, I don't feel much at all.

I figure over the next few days I'll write some things about her so maybe the beginning of some sort of eulogy will come out of it. We'll see...

Isaac cleans

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Originally uploaded by AllIsaacAllTheTime

Good gosh! My life seems a mess right now. If only my little Isaac could clean it up all the time! He loves to vacuum and I let him! Just like his daddy.

Anywho. Since my last entry, in case you are the rare person who stumbles across this thing, much has changed and progressed and stood still. Mom is in hospice care now. At home, but there is nothing else to do and at this moment, hospice nurses think it will be around 2 more weeks.

It's weird. I'm motherless. Mother-less. For many, many years, I have spoken with my mom almost every day. At the very least, I've spoken to my mom every few days. And that's only b/c she's been out of town, in Europe or too ill to talk, in which case, I've just gone over. My mother has been so woven into my life that's it seems like it will be difficult to pull the thread out. As I've grown older, I've become more dependent on her advice, support, money. I know, as children get older, they are supposed to grow more independent. I seemed to be the opposite. I never needed her much as a kid, or a teen, but now, well into my 30's, I don't know what I'll do without her.

So, June is around the corner and June will more than likely be the month my mother dies in. I hate June.