Saw mom today. She is like a shell of herself. NOT the feisty, zesty, spicy woman I know and love. This isn't my mom. My mom died last week. The last I truly saw my mom was 2 Mondays ago. We sat by the pool. We laughed about something. I told her something and she responded. Only problem is, i can't remember at all what we talked about. I only know that I was there. I spoke. She responded. She was my mom.

I keep thinking that I can say something at her funeral. I have always had so much to say about my mom and it always came to me so easily. But now, when i need to organize my feelings and come up with something real that I can say to others so they'll get the essence of what I felt about my mom, nothing is coming. Everything I think about her comes in bits and pieces. I think of silly stories. Inappropriate stories. Nothing that really tells how i feel. I am thinking maybe it is because I feel completely numb. I feel nothing. I've cried a few times in spurts. I feel sad and a bit devastated only b/c I KNOW I feel that way. But when it really comes down to it, I don't feel much at all.

I figure over the next few days I'll write some things about her so maybe the beginning of some sort of eulogy will come out of it. We'll see...